The survival mindset

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the Fight or Flight response before right? It’s the Adrenal Medulla in our brains that control those feelings by releasing a cascade of hormones through the body to trigger our survival instinct. You basically approach most situations in life with this option presented to you and your brain subconsciously determines what to do in that situation. It’s essentially your stress response to a certain things. I never thought I would struggle with that part of my brain so much in life but I guess nobody really asks for PTSD either. I never realized how much our Dopamine and Serotonin levels determine that stress response either but it does make sense.

It turns out many people struggle with that kind of stress for different reasons. I never really realized that medical trauma can lead to all these problems controlling stress but the more I saw my Psychiatrist and analyzed my situation that it started to make sense. I can recall moments as early as 2 years old and remember in vivid detail about every big test or procedure I’ve had for the most part. I used to just chalk those up as things that stayed with me because they were different but surely not scary. It wasn’t until I became an adult and started to really understand the gravity of all these situations and it’s hit me hard ever since.

I take medication to treat these things but they come with the side effect of making me forget easily because well…..I’m not supposed to think about my situation too much. It wasn’t until I was about 30 that I started experiencing frequent insomnia, loss of appetite, loss of focus etc. I always had depression but this was different. Over several appointments and therapy sessions I realized I was essentially going around with my flight response on. I was suddenly scared of everything almost and had no idea why. I had troubles driving, going out or socializing even. It’s like my brain was stuck in overdrive constantly overthinking and over analyzing every little thing around me.

It turned out that I didn’t have PTSD until I experienced a second kidney transplant, then Cancer not 5 months later, then a hip replacement the year after that. It was having one major life changing event after another happen to me back to back that pushed me into having to deal with this stuff. That sequence of events on top of my childhood surgeries and problems plus the stress of having to keep up with meds, dates, drs, diet and more just pushed me further into it all. I felt so weak for letting these things get to me so bad but it was my Psychiatrist that reminded me that some people have it after just going through 1 organ transplant or dealing with Cancer much less dealing with both back to back. It’s having to keep up with Prescription refills, Dr Appointments, labs, scans, diet, pain management etc on top of taking medication 3 times a day. Doing that for your whole life will make you always aware of what time it is, just like having Dr appointments all the time will make you pretty aware of the date. But it’s having to juggle all that on top of day to day activity that makes it hard. And it’s not like your having to remember these things for a month or so until you heal like many. This is day in day out all day every day of my entire life I have to keep these things going. Add in depression and PTSD and my head can be a pretty busy place. It’s always easy to stress about what still needs to be done and balancing that with what you can do that day.

It can be very hard to navigate life when your brain is going what feels like a thousand miles an hour. It can also be hard to retain information when you have so much serious stuff always on your mind. Always stressing labs and scans. Always hoping they look good and trying not to dwell on what can happen when they don’t look good. It’s so much of a roller coaster of emotions for me. Several times when leaving my Nephrologist or Oncologist office I would just break down in tears for half the drive home just from the release of nerves of worrying about it for weeks beforehand. That’s the stress I carry just about all the time. Many wouldn’t even notice because I’ve adapted to it to a degree but it’s a lot to manage every day ever since you can remember. One thing I will say to those struggling with similar feelings is knowing it does get better. You have to very carefully navigate your life and try your best to avoid any undue stress or anxiety. Set up a zone in your day to day life where you can escape those feelings if you have to but always do what you can to get some form of help. Just try to tell yourself youre doing the best you can with what you have and find a way to feel esteem about yourself. That too will go a long way.