Pushing through PTSD

We all face moments of anxiety, fear or self doubt. Many moments in life spur these feelings whether it’s getting ready to do something for the first time to doing something that you have second thoughts about doing again. And many of us persevere through that anxiety while some don’t. Most that don’t can get treatment for it though that’ll help ease those feelings because lets be honest, it’s debilitating and gets in the way from people living full lives. I wasn’t someone who was ever stress free with my life, but it wasn’t ever bad to the point that it changed my character or was scared to live and enjoy life. Things changed though and I learned the hard way just how bad this stuff can be for folks who live through it on a daily basis.

By 2019 my life was doing great. I had my foot healed up from my last case of AVN. My hip was healed up. My kidney numbers were doing fine and my cancer was still in remission. Anyone looking on the outside could see that I was generally happy and content. As long as my health was good what could go wrong? That’s what I’d always tell myself everytime I felt myself get nervous. What was I nervous about? The very things that I’m “not having to worry about” anymore were still getting to me. I had to learn to trust my Drs. Almost like learning to trust again period. You begin to not trust simply feeling alright. I still to this day can’t get over my mothers kidney rejecting without me even feeling anything wrong whatsoever. It makes you doubt your instincts even because then your mind starts thinking well if I didn’t feel anything before and something that severe was going on and I didn’t know it what else can I trust? It messes with you. I always balanced my anxiety with my health before. I wondered what was so different now vs the previous 30 years of my life. Why was I having panic attacks almost daily and nightmares every night? Why was I getting scared to do basic things I’ve always done?

I went to my Psychiatrist and tried to get to the bottom of it. I was confused as to why I had all these new anxious feelings about something I’ve dealt with my entire life. The answer ended up being a lot easier than I thought. It was PTSD. The Mayo Clinic defines it as a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD. I looked at my Dr confused and understood that I had dealt with depression since I was 13 and anxiety due to my life sure but PTSD? How? I have and Uncle who was in the Navy who I have the upmost respect and reverence for. I understand how people who truly face the worlds evils firsthand could get PSTD. Someone who’s faced combat or someone who has lived through severe childhood trauma even. But me? But then she had me perform a test I’ll never forget. She simply asked me to recall any vivid memory from my childhood involving the hospital. It was at that moment in this test I realized something different about myself. I could recall going into the hospital with my parents and visualize and relive that moment down to what I saw as I walked in the doors. The check in desk at the front. The bathroom to my right. The waiting area to my left. What toys were there. The smell of the alcohol swab before I had to give a urine sample before I’d walk back to the phlebotomy desk. Then the feeling of getting poked down to my parents laughing with the nurse as how remarkable it was to see a 3 year old child just watch their own blood being taken with amazement. Then sitting down and waiting for the Dr’s to inspect me. By the time I was done recalling all that I was crying my eyes out. I didn’t get it at first but as the Psychologist had me demonstrate further I could recall details like lights, sounds, smells and even remember small details down to object placement when it came to every single medical event in my life. Whether that was routine blood draws af far back as 3 years of age, my car wreck, my gum surgeries, my time in the hostpital from chickenpox, 2nd transplant, cancer etc…..all of it. I can sit and recall with vivid detail many many memories of all of it regardless of how many years ago it happened. It’s like they were burned in my brain I said. She said exactly, that’s a survival mechanism and over the years I had just been bravely putting those feelings aside and over and over again until now.

So my next question was well why now then? How did I go so long without these things bothering me and its just now an issue? My Dr explained that there’s a threshold in the brain and everyone’s is different. Which at first just made me just feel weak. I had always prided myself on how well I overcame so many obstacles and didn’t make myself appear as a mess. At how far I had come with my depression and anxiety. But then she told me something I needed to hear. She said well you didn’t overcome those moments without help and advice. I said of course that’s very true. I do have very few friends who I do confide in more than others and have seen that more unsure side of me, seen my doubts and got me into a better mindset. It was and still is those serious one on ones I have with some that acts as therapy and helps me as far as I can go without medication. I had just simply reached a point in my life where the PTSD was overflowing into my daily life and I needed treatment for it.

It was still hard for me to accept that diagnosis though. I was like are you sure it’s ptsd and not just something situational? But I’ll admit I wasn’t very knowledgeable about it and I learned lots that day. The fact I could recall these older moments in such vivid detail was the big one and the fact that simply recounting these stories almost always ended in strong emotional reactions from me told them all they needed to. I was informed that they had several patients who needed medication and regular therapy after 1 kidney transplant or cancer diagnosis much less everything that I’ve had on my plate. So I learned it’s more prevalent and easier to get than I once thought. And all the symptoms were exactly what I was starting to experience from the lower appetite to the constant nightmares to having panic attacks over seemingly nothing. Anyone who knows me knows I wanted to do what I could to fix it and get back to normal. So I got a prescription and things have been manageable ever since.

The big difference between how I managed things as a kid vs an adult is also explained with ignorance. When I was a kid I knew I was different, but like I explained in Chapter 2 my parents always made me feel normal. So the gravity and weight of the situations my parents had to endure in those days I wasn’t aware of because I was too young or innocent to know any different. Fast forward to today and yeah, my Dr explained that as an adult going through the stress of a transplant at age 25 when you’re fully aware of everything involved vs when you’re 14 months old and don’t know whats going on. Not only am I aware of so much more, but I had a transplant, then cancer, then a hip replacement, then major foot surgery all within a 5 year period. That constant barrage of one thing after another and each one in it’s own right being a major hurdle was a lot for anyone to endure much less someone who’s endured things all throughout their life. I learned to stop being so hard on myself since then. It’s hard when you’re in the pilot seat and you’ve just done everything in life you’ve had to do and then looking in the rear view mirror and realizing just how much of that stuff was traumatizing. I don’t like to think about it that way because defensively I want to say how much my parents made that life easier for me and how much my grandma helped me live a life that by any means shouldn’t be described as traumatizing. It’s even hard for me to put that stuff into words now on this blog even because I’ve only done what I’ve had to do in life. I didn’t live a traumatized life, but I had traumatizing experiences that I’ll never forget just because they were so painful. This all goes into what I’ve tried to express in this blog but can’t find the words exactly. When you’re born into this stuff, you don’t see any of it as a chore or being punished. It’s just life. It’s almost like people born into this world already know life isn’t fair. So there’s less growing pains in that respect because from the get go we were born fighting, knowing life isn’t fair and nothing about it ever is. So as long as I can remember, the appointments and everything else was nothing because my family, friends and Drs made me feel normal. And then from there, all the procedures and painful moments I just understood I was different and grit my teeth and dealt with it. But I realized that while my attitude about it all was great, the pain stays with me mentally and I need to look after myself.

I still work on myself daily. With exercise, medication and therapy I’m now in a much better place than I was a year and a half ago. The big part I still work on is my anxiety before appointments. I start telling myself to just trust God, trust my Drs and trust my close knit group of friends and family and whatever happens will happen and I’ll overcome it like I’ve done so many other things. A big help is this blog and writing out my feelings and experiences. I still worry about my kidney, I still worry about cancer coming back. But I can’t let these things run my life. After overcoming so much, I can’t let the very things I’ve overcome be the sole reasons I stress. I spend a lot of my time now just reaching out to others in kidney groups and try to use my experiences to help others. It’s infinitely rewarding. If this truly helps anyone then that’s just the biggest bonus in the world for me having to endure all this. It can be hard to slow down and put your mind at ease if its been in survival mode for a long time, but if I can do it anyone can. If I can improve myself, learn and grow from each trial in life than so can you.